Long Relationship Musings

I'm sitting here "babysitting," hence online now that the kids are asleep and I've already cleaned up.

I'm contemplating my relationships. Don't read this if you're not interested in this. It might get weird.

So I'm thinking about it. And i've made a list. A flat out list of relationships i've had. From year and a half commitments to one day oops-es and minute-long flings. I might make it easier by going in order, but it's likely i'll misplace one or two, so bear with me.

-C (Boyfriend -3 months)
-J (Boyfriend -4? months)
-J(2) (In-the-closet Girlfriend - uhh..5 months?)
-J(3) (Boyfriend -1 month)
-M (Boyfriend -1 Day)
-J(4) (Hookup -1 month)
-L (Girlfriend - 1 year, 4 months)
-E (Hookup)
-E(2) (Hookup)

Now I'm almost positive there are more people on this list. I just have terrible long-term memory. Maybe someone can refresh my memory if I forgot anything. Oh, and another girl in thrown in there around the J(3) area i think. But I think she'd rather not be mentioned. These are the ones I actually consider relationships. There are honestly other people i've just kissed, but don't expect me to try to remember all that.

I call each of these "relationships" although each is very distinct. My J(3) experience is perhaps eons away from what happened with L for example. They all have made me see a different part of myself. Each helped me grow in some way. Which is what should happen. Of course I have other things that I deem "relationships." I have so many wonderful relationships with my friends, they're just not included on this list for some obvious differences.

I'm a little worried moving forward. As much as each relationship has shown me something about myself, they've also revealed some dangerous patterns. I fall for the people who sometimes aren't the best for me. I'm not referring to any specific relationship, but sometimes things can turn ugly. Sometimes I can get obsessive.  To tell the truth, it's hard for me to admit that people are leaving my life. I pour my heart and soul into these relationships. I truly and deeply love. When I get stressed or nervous, I say things that just aren't true and scare people away.

I get panic attacks, did you ever know that? Perhaps another blog post is in order. But the short form is this. They started in the transition after my relationship with J(3). It was so scary. I've learned how to control them better, but sometimes they get back. They come back when i deal with rocky relationships. Wow, i really hope no potential significant other reads this, because I look like a nutcase. I'm really not this bad, promise.

One thing you'll notice is that there's guys in there. Yes, MEN! Well, more often than not they were boys. Maybe one day years from now i'll look back on those male-filled days (no pun intended) with nostalgia. Right now? I'm more than happy to just get on with it.

The only reason i'm writing this so long is because there's nothing better to do in this house. Sure I could watch TV or do my hw. But that's not quite as fun.

One other thing i've noticed, and i've told a couple of people this before, is that i've never been in a relationship with a girl that hasn't been closeted, or long-distance. I mean, i've never found someone here that I can just be with out in the open. I'd like that, but it sure would open up a new can of worms. I haven't really felt much persecution for my sexuality yet, and i'm sure thats a part of it. Can you imagine the looks on my classmates faces if I walked hand in hand with a woman on the way to class. Or worse, a kiss on the cheek!

This brings me to something sort of related. It's when I first met E (the one on the list, not the drug). I had heard rumors about her. This was freshman year. I was in awe of this girl, I heard rumors that she-kissed a girl! -gasp!- She was sitting there proud in my english class. And yes, she was dating another girl. I was in awe of her the moment i met her.

She got shit for that. Fuck them all. God fucking fuck them all to hell.