STUFFF

SO much stuff to do in the next few weeks. The show is tonight and tomorrow, so that took up my entire week. Next week i'm revisitng colleges because I STILL don't know what i'm doing next year. I'm missing more than half the week on that. AP tests are in 2 weeks, I have 2 choir concerts, an English poetry test, a huge English paper, 2 more art pieces and the Day of sSilence to plan. And I don't have a date to prom. AND This is in the next two weeks. Mostly next week. AH.

Rememory

I'm sitting in the Wright House computer lab. It's the first time I've been in this lab since last year. I remember last year I was always in this room period 8 because I had Humanities and Mr. Theisen took us to this room. Emma was also often here period 8 because she had a free. We used to sit next to eachother and she would distract me from my work and we would tease Mr. Theisen and it would be all good.

Long Relationship Musings

I'm sitting here "babysitting," hence online now that the kids are asleep and I've already cleaned up.

I'm contemplating my relationships. Don't read this if you're not interested in this. It might get weird.

So I'm thinking about it. And i've made a list. A flat out list of relationships i've had. From year and a half commitments to one day oops-es and minute-long flings. I might make it easier by going in order, but it's likely i'll misplace one or two, so bear with me.

-C (Boyfriend -3 months)
-J (Boyfriend -4? months)
-J(2) (In-the-closet Girlfriend - uhh..5 months?)
-J(3) (Boyfriend -1 month)
-M (Boyfriend -1 Day)
-J(4) (Hookup -1 month)
-L (Girlfriend - 1 year, 4 months)
-E (Hookup)
-E(2) (Hookup)

Now I'm almost positive there are more people on this list. I just have terrible long-term memory. Maybe someone can refresh my memory if I forgot anything. Oh, and another girl in thrown in there around the J(3) area i think. But I think she'd rather not be mentioned. These are the ones I actually consider relationships. There are honestly other people i've just kissed, but don't expect me to try to remember all that.

I call each of these "relationships" although each is very distinct. My J(3) experience is perhaps eons away from what happened with L for example. They all have made me see a different part of myself. Each helped me grow in some way. Which is what should happen. Of course I have other things that I deem "relationships." I have so many wonderful relationships with my friends, they're just not included on this list for some obvious differences.

I'm a little worried moving forward. As much as each relationship has shown me something about myself, they've also revealed some dangerous patterns. I fall for the people who sometimes aren't the best for me. I'm not referring to any specific relationship, but sometimes things can turn ugly. Sometimes I can get obsessive.  To tell the truth, it's hard for me to admit that people are leaving my life. I pour my heart and soul into these relationships. I truly and deeply love. When I get stressed or nervous, I say things that just aren't true and scare people away.

I get panic attacks, did you ever know that? Perhaps another blog post is in order. But the short form is this. They started in the transition after my relationship with J(3). It was so scary. I've learned how to control them better, but sometimes they get back. They come back when i deal with rocky relationships. Wow, i really hope no potential significant other reads this, because I look like a nutcase. I'm really not this bad, promise.

One thing you'll notice is that there's guys in there. Yes, MEN! Well, more often than not they were boys. Maybe one day years from now i'll look back on those male-filled days (no pun intended) with nostalgia. Right now? I'm more than happy to just get on with it.

The only reason i'm writing this so long is because there's nothing better to do in this house. Sure I could watch TV or do my hw. But that's not quite as fun.

One other thing i've noticed, and i've told a couple of people this before, is that i've never been in a relationship with a girl that hasn't been closeted, or long-distance. I mean, i've never found someone here that I can just be with out in the open. I'd like that, but it sure would open up a new can of worms. I haven't really felt much persecution for my sexuality yet, and i'm sure thats a part of it. Can you imagine the looks on my classmates faces if I walked hand in hand with a woman on the way to class. Or worse, a kiss on the cheek!

This brings me to something sort of related. It's when I first met E (the one on the list, not the drug). I had heard rumors about her. This was freshman year. I was in awe of this girl, I heard rumors that she-kissed a girl! -gasp!- She was sitting there proud in my english class. And yes, she was dating another girl. I was in awe of her the moment i met her.

She got shit for that. Fuck them all. God fucking fuck them all to hell.

Random

Didja ever play those games when you are in a group of people that you don't know, for some sort of event, and you have to go around saying one interesting fact about yourself? I find myself in that situation a lot, and I can never ever think of anything interesting to say. My mind blanks. I haven't been hit by lighting, I never met anyone famous. I figure I can't be THAT boring. So I decided to start a list. You'll get a random fact about me once in awhile on this page, so I can add to my list of things to say that are interesting about me. Since I'm actually met with a similar mind blurt right now, i'll start with something not-so-interesting, but something I noticed.


I seem to like really happy-sounding sad songs. Like, Kimya Dawson and Yellowcard. They have really upbeat-sounding songs but in the end they're actually kinda sad.

Some of my FAVORITE songs:
Kimya Dawson
More Kimya

Yellowcard

And with the acceptance come the rejections.

My college Score Card:

Accepted:
Mount Holyoke
Clark
UConn

Rejected:
Vassar
Wesleyan

Waiting on:
Tufts
Brown
Connecticut College

Here's when the clock really starts to click.

More college stuff

Just one new update, I got into Mount Holyoke. It's one of my top choice schools, so I'm really happy about that. Now i'm just waiting on 5 more!

On a random note, I've been feeling oddly happy for the last few days. It's really weird because I never really feel happy for a sustained period. Do you know what I mean? I'm not seriously depressed, but i'm just normal, indifferent, most of the time. Sometimes I get happy and sometimes I get sad. I've been just happy. It might have something to do with getting into Mount Holyoke, being on schedule in AP art, doing well in AP Physics, having a big design element in the Music Man, and having a potential female date to prom. =] I like this feeling.

3/14/10

Pi Day, but I only just remembered that a few hours ago.
Big storm last night. I could probably tell you lots of stories of fallen trees, but they all sound the same as the rest. Lots of power cut. Ours was out last night, but I wasn't here for it. I was driving home in it. O.O

The second day of TC was just as amazing if not better than the second. Each day had its epic awesome points. Still though, i'm a little ticked at the fact that I had absolutely no game. I NEVER get nervous talking to people, but god you should have seen me hiding behind a pillar for about 10 minutes trying to get up the nerve to approach this one girl before running off utterly terrified. It was as if I had reverted to 3rd grade follies. Gosh. It was more than a little pathetic. I believe I looked too straight. XD Is that imaginable? Not looking gay enough? There were a bunch of straight girls there so I'm guessing I was assumed to be one of them. I'll get a sign next year. (I'm totally going next year, college far away or not)

Today was also project runway. It was also really fun, and I'll put the video up on facebook later if i can. The best part was having my hair and makeup done. It was done for free by Total Look ( i looked at prices later at it would have been over $100 each girl) I loved my style, and my stylist was so sweet. The worst part was 20 minutes before the show when I found out that the store I was modeling for had sold the outfit I was fitted for, so all my planning for one look had to be thrown out and changed for the replacement outfit they gave me. I didn't like it as much, but I rocked it. That's showbiz. or model-biz. It works either way.