Questions

A friend here at college introduced me to these ten questions that really got me thinking. So, i'll be posting a new question each week (or so), give my answer, and ask for yours as well. I think they're really interesting.

1. What is your favorite word?

At the start, this question seemed up my ally. I love literature and words and English, and this is just so interesting to think about. Sometimes English can be so limiting though.. and it gets harder and harder to find just the right word. I'm sure you've all had those moments when you're searching and searching for the right word, and then the aha! when you finally find it. That is so satisfying, isn't it? But, off the top of my head, it's hard for me to think of one word that just strikes the right chord. I have to think for a bit... I'm going to make a list....

Cadence
Coherence
Simplicity
However
Breathe
Catalyst
Cozy
Nonchalant
Superfluous


Those are my favorites right now. What are your's?

Some Things Are Meant To Be

Relay

Tonight's Relay for Life.

It's going to be hard for me, because last year's relay was the last time  I got to spend an extended period of time with Emma. One of my biggest annoyances is that I couldn't stay the whole night last ear. I had SATs or something in the morning. Which makes no sense, but there was something the next day I had to go to. ><

Hopefully my friends, old and new, will keep me going this year.

I wanted to name our team Following Fabulous. We picked a different name, but that is my own personal team name for us. For the group of people who are dedicating to following fabulous and moving forward. That's most important. Moving forward; not moving on. We'll never move on but we will move forward following fabulous where ever we go.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/rosabelle

Inheriting

The story is not really mine to tell, but I'll tell it anyway. This is the way it goes:
Back in 2009, Lindsey and Emma used to joke with each other; Lindsey wanted bigger boobs, and Emma always said "Take mine!" Now, if you've known Lindsey for awhile (and have been hanging out with her friends who notice things like this) you might have noticed, like we all did, that Lindsey's boobs grew like crazy over the summer. Inheritance? Maybe so.

I think I got a similar strange gift. Hats.

I can't get enough of them! Since the summer, my hat collection has quadrupled. I had one hat before...which I never even wore. Now I boast 5 hats. =] I just bought this floppy pink one yesterday, I was so excited! Emma gave me her hat craze, I really can't get enough of them!

Villanelle

I wrote this villanelle for AP Lit.






Sail off to sleep.
Remember me as you close your eyes,
and for this moment do not weep.

In your memories closely keep
all that we’ve done, our loves, our lies,
now sail off to sleep.

Softly now the winds fall and sweep
to hush your fears and calm your cries
and for this moment do not weep.

All I’ve been, your heart will reap,
through all death’s faint disguise
so sail off to sleep.

The night holds your dreams; let your heart leap,
Let rest give rise
And for this moment do not weep.

No longer lost; carry on, your soul is deep.
Stay strong, my love, withstand my goodbyes.
Sail off to sleep,
and for this moment do not weep. 

STUFFF

SO much stuff to do in the next few weeks. The show is tonight and tomorrow, so that took up my entire week. Next week i'm revisitng colleges because I STILL don't know what i'm doing next year. I'm missing more than half the week on that. AP tests are in 2 weeks, I have 2 choir concerts, an English poetry test, a huge English paper, 2 more art pieces and the Day of sSilence to plan. And I don't have a date to prom. AND This is in the next two weeks. Mostly next week. AH.

Rememory

I'm sitting in the Wright House computer lab. It's the first time I've been in this lab since last year. I remember last year I was always in this room period 8 because I had Humanities and Mr. Theisen took us to this room. Emma was also often here period 8 because she had a free. We used to sit next to eachother and she would distract me from my work and we would tease Mr. Theisen and it would be all good.

Long Relationship Musings

I'm sitting here "babysitting," hence online now that the kids are asleep and I've already cleaned up.

I'm contemplating my relationships. Don't read this if you're not interested in this. It might get weird.

So I'm thinking about it. And i've made a list. A flat out list of relationships i've had. From year and a half commitments to one day oops-es and minute-long flings. I might make it easier by going in order, but it's likely i'll misplace one or two, so bear with me.

-C (Boyfriend -3 months)
-J (Boyfriend -4? months)
-J(2) (In-the-closet Girlfriend - uhh..5 months?)
-J(3) (Boyfriend -1 month)
-M (Boyfriend -1 Day)
-J(4) (Hookup -1 month)
-L (Girlfriend - 1 year, 4 months)
-E (Hookup)
-E(2) (Hookup)

Now I'm almost positive there are more people on this list. I just have terrible long-term memory. Maybe someone can refresh my memory if I forgot anything. Oh, and another girl in thrown in there around the J(3) area i think. But I think she'd rather not be mentioned. These are the ones I actually consider relationships. There are honestly other people i've just kissed, but don't expect me to try to remember all that.

I call each of these "relationships" although each is very distinct. My J(3) experience is perhaps eons away from what happened with L for example. They all have made me see a different part of myself. Each helped me grow in some way. Which is what should happen. Of course I have other things that I deem "relationships." I have so many wonderful relationships with my friends, they're just not included on this list for some obvious differences.

I'm a little worried moving forward. As much as each relationship has shown me something about myself, they've also revealed some dangerous patterns. I fall for the people who sometimes aren't the best for me. I'm not referring to any specific relationship, but sometimes things can turn ugly. Sometimes I can get obsessive.  To tell the truth, it's hard for me to admit that people are leaving my life. I pour my heart and soul into these relationships. I truly and deeply love. When I get stressed or nervous, I say things that just aren't true and scare people away.

I get panic attacks, did you ever know that? Perhaps another blog post is in order. But the short form is this. They started in the transition after my relationship with J(3). It was so scary. I've learned how to control them better, but sometimes they get back. They come back when i deal with rocky relationships. Wow, i really hope no potential significant other reads this, because I look like a nutcase. I'm really not this bad, promise.

One thing you'll notice is that there's guys in there. Yes, MEN! Well, more often than not they were boys. Maybe one day years from now i'll look back on those male-filled days (no pun intended) with nostalgia. Right now? I'm more than happy to just get on with it.

The only reason i'm writing this so long is because there's nothing better to do in this house. Sure I could watch TV or do my hw. But that's not quite as fun.

One other thing i've noticed, and i've told a couple of people this before, is that i've never been in a relationship with a girl that hasn't been closeted, or long-distance. I mean, i've never found someone here that I can just be with out in the open. I'd like that, but it sure would open up a new can of worms. I haven't really felt much persecution for my sexuality yet, and i'm sure thats a part of it. Can you imagine the looks on my classmates faces if I walked hand in hand with a woman on the way to class. Or worse, a kiss on the cheek!

This brings me to something sort of related. It's when I first met E (the one on the list, not the drug). I had heard rumors about her. This was freshman year. I was in awe of this girl, I heard rumors that she-kissed a girl! -gasp!- She was sitting there proud in my english class. And yes, she was dating another girl. I was in awe of her the moment i met her.

She got shit for that. Fuck them all. God fucking fuck them all to hell.

Random

Didja ever play those games when you are in a group of people that you don't know, for some sort of event, and you have to go around saying one interesting fact about yourself? I find myself in that situation a lot, and I can never ever think of anything interesting to say. My mind blanks. I haven't been hit by lighting, I never met anyone famous. I figure I can't be THAT boring. So I decided to start a list. You'll get a random fact about me once in awhile on this page, so I can add to my list of things to say that are interesting about me. Since I'm actually met with a similar mind blurt right now, i'll start with something not-so-interesting, but something I noticed.


I seem to like really happy-sounding sad songs. Like, Kimya Dawson and Yellowcard. They have really upbeat-sounding songs but in the end they're actually kinda sad.

Some of my FAVORITE songs:
Kimya Dawson
More Kimya

Yellowcard

And with the acceptance come the rejections.

My college Score Card:

Accepted:
Mount Holyoke
Clark
UConn

Rejected:
Vassar
Wesleyan

Waiting on:
Tufts
Brown
Connecticut College

Here's when the clock really starts to click.

More college stuff

Just one new update, I got into Mount Holyoke. It's one of my top choice schools, so I'm really happy about that. Now i'm just waiting on 5 more!

On a random note, I've been feeling oddly happy for the last few days. It's really weird because I never really feel happy for a sustained period. Do you know what I mean? I'm not seriously depressed, but i'm just normal, indifferent, most of the time. Sometimes I get happy and sometimes I get sad. I've been just happy. It might have something to do with getting into Mount Holyoke, being on schedule in AP art, doing well in AP Physics, having a big design element in the Music Man, and having a potential female date to prom. =] I like this feeling.

3/14/10

Pi Day, but I only just remembered that a few hours ago.
Big storm last night. I could probably tell you lots of stories of fallen trees, but they all sound the same as the rest. Lots of power cut. Ours was out last night, but I wasn't here for it. I was driving home in it. O.O

The second day of TC was just as amazing if not better than the second. Each day had its epic awesome points. Still though, i'm a little ticked at the fact that I had absolutely no game. I NEVER get nervous talking to people, but god you should have seen me hiding behind a pillar for about 10 minutes trying to get up the nerve to approach this one girl before running off utterly terrified. It was as if I had reverted to 3rd grade follies. Gosh. It was more than a little pathetic. I believe I looked too straight. XD Is that imaginable? Not looking gay enough? There were a bunch of straight girls there so I'm guessing I was assumed to be one of them. I'll get a sign next year. (I'm totally going next year, college far away or not)

Today was also project runway. It was also really fun, and I'll put the video up on facebook later if i can. The best part was having my hair and makeup done. It was done for free by Total Look ( i looked at prices later at it would have been over $100 each girl) I loved my style, and my stylist was so sweet. The worst part was 20 minutes before the show when I found out that the store I was modeling for had sold the outfit I was fitted for, so all my planning for one look had to be thrown out and changed for the replacement outfit they gave me. I didn't like it as much, but I rocked it. That's showbiz. or model-biz. It works either way.

do you realize you posted this on the ap lit blog?

i did not. thank you.

Ask me anything

True Colors

Today I went to day 1 of the True Colors Conference. It was SO AWESOME. It's a conference for LGBTQIA teens and such. There are three workshop periods and 40 different workshops to choose in each. It was so wonderful to just be there and meet new people. I was so nervous though, I didn't get any names. I smack myself in the head for that because I really wanted to get to know a few more people better. I just hope they're coming back tomorrow. I'm waking up at 6 again tomorrow to go again, and I won't be back until 9-ish.

On a separate note, a couple of weird things have been happening to me. I'm the kind of person who partially believes in the supernatural. Like, not really, but when weird things happen to me I'm like"hm, this is pretty cool, maybe it means something." Like, I get deja vu at least once a week, and always consider it. One event that happened was at choir on Monday. We had just finished rehearsing a song, and were transitioning to another. We got about a 15 second break to switch songs. So there was some chatter as we ruffled through papers to get to the next song. While I'm doing this, I hear a sudden, sharp, and short call "Chelsea!" I jerk my head up at stare at the direction it came from, a little bit to the left of the teacher's desk but not quite at the door. I looked around the rows in front of my (i'm in the back row) expecting some upturned face. Seeing no one I still keep my eyes pinned to the spot. No one else seemed to have heard the call but me, although I heard it as if it was a quite audible yell. The room was quieted by Mr. Noyes, and we began our next piece, but I didn't move my eyes from the spot. Eventually I shook it off and got joined the rest of my choir singing halfway through the song.

Event two happened just today. It wasn't an event really, but just a strange coincidence. In the last workshop I went to there was a girl there. I girl who I recognized quite clearly. She captivated my gaze throughout the workshop. She spoke often, although not as I would expect her to. I had half a mind to ask her (after the workshop) if she was adopted, and if she was born in South Carolina. However, how odd would that be? Being approached by a stranger to be asked if you were adopted. It was nice to see a face though, be it long lost sister or not. She said during the course of the workshop that she had a twin brother, so I doubt that my colorful imaginings have any base in truth. It was a fun day dream. Or not so fun. If she really was Em's long lost sister I don't know if she'd want to know.

For today:
Good things: daydreams and trans boys
Lesser things: not getting names and numbers and missed zanda don't

if you could forget anything that ever happened in your life, or reverse anything that happened that was caused directly by you, what would you change?

uhm. I don't think I have enough foresight or hindsight to make that judgement.

Ask me anything

Physics Phail

It's CAPT week, so a bunch of the periods are shortened while one is extending. Today I was suck with extended double lab AP Physics. o.o Surprisingly though, with about three hours of class time we did less physics than any other time. 

There are only five girls in our class, so we devised a secret plan. Today we showed up dressed like guys and acted like them for the whole period. That distracted the class for most of the period, and we ended up watching "The Bromance is Gone" on youtube and other "manly" things. Also Matt brought bagels. So, that was the first period. Then later that day (because the schedule is so weird) we met up again for our second class of the day, the usual lab period. We actually did physics then, or attempted to. This is where things messed up. We're just finishing up Quantum Mechanic, and Quantum Electrodynamics... you'd think I'd be able to go back to 41 and do some simple projectile motion and friction right? Wrong.

As part of the AP test, there's stuff from last year on it, basic stuff like forces and energy. We got a review packet and had to work on a few problems. I don't know what it was, but I completely blanked. I drew the picture, set it up, and suddenly all physics equations and theories rushed out of my head. To make it worse, everyone else in the class completely got it. And so they should! This is your basic box-on-an-incline problem. And, because the rest of the class got it right easily. we didn't spend much time in class going over the questions. I talked to Heiden after class and he explained it easily, and I get it now. It is worrying though, how quickly I can forget. But it is understandable. We haven't done that kind of stuff in half a year, and I didn't take the final exam last year. My brain was kinda wiped clean after this Summer. I'm really worried to find out what other stuff I've lost in the process...

Accepted!

I got my first college acceptance today!

Clark University! It was my safety, and I expected to get in, but i'm still really excited. I also got a really nice scholarship to go with it- $15,000 per year. ^.^

I'm excited also because Clark had said on its website that we would hear "by April 1st." All my other schools also say that. If I got this one this early, are the more letters floating around in the near future for me?

MoMA

Yesterday, my AP Literature class went to the Museum of Modern Art. Don't ask me why an English class went to an art museum, i'm still trying to figure it out! But anyway, I had a really great time. It was rainy and snowy, and we only got a few hours in the museum, but it was awesome. We had a tour which, like most tours, was long and boring and unnecessary, and then we had an hour or two to explore on our own. There were so many cool pieces, that I can hardly list them all. Some of my favorites were "The Landscape" by Jean Metzinger,  some stuff by Kandinsky, and this one other piece which I can't identify the artist.

We saw the Tim Burton exhibit that was just beyond awesome. Photos weren't allowed inside the exhibit, but just for an idea of what it was like, this is what the entrance to the place looked like:



I also got to spend a lot of time with my friends, mostly Brigitta, Allie, Linjia and Lindsey. One of my new year's resolutions this year was to get closer to my friends individually, and just get closer in general. I think that's certainly going well. On the train ride back the windows were fogging up, so we played literary pictionary. =D We drew things from the books we had read over the years and the others tried to guess the title. It was pretty much my best train ride ever. We played it for a good half hour, and I think we just disturbed a few of our car-mates by screaming "OMG.., its.. its... guild-.. rose--ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN ARE DEAD!!"

Same old

Vacation is coming to an end, and I can say i've done a lot of nothing. And for once, that's totally ok with me. I did lots of artwork, did all my homework, and watched a lot of olympics. And I'm very content. Not to say i'm complacent to stay in this lifestyle forever. I'm thoroughly looking forward to having a schedule, and things to do and see, starting back with school on Monday. I'm excited for the True Colors conference, and for hearing back from schools with (hopefully) good news in the next month. Set crew also starts soon, I believe. It'll be fun.